A New Journey – day 17

Wow.  It’s been 17 days now since I heard the doctor say the “c” word.  I feel like I’m in limbo – some kind of netherworld, where you can’t move forward and can’t move backward.  All you can do is wait.  My next test isn’t scheduled until the 17th of this month, so I have ten more days to sit here and overthink everything.  Waiting is hard.

For some reason I thought it would be different than it is.  I thought I would feel different, look different, think different, act different.  But really, nothing has changed.  I go to bed at night, read my book and fall asleep.  I get up, go about my daily activities, do what needs to be done, and pretty much behave as normal.  Life just goes on, like it always does.

Sometimes there are reminders, one’s that I can’t ignore, of what is happening in my body.  Sometimes I wish the incessant bleeding would just stop.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so fatigued.  But I remind myself that these things will pass once the tests are done, and my doctor and I discuss treatment options.  I guess I want everything to be over and done with.

I haven’t been writing much, because there really isn’t much to write about lol.  I’ve had good days.  I’ve had bad days.  But the best days are the ones that I can spend laughing with my friends, enjoying myself with people I love, and doing the things I love to do.

Again, I want to thank you all for your prayers, for your friendship, for your love.  I want to thank you for the laughter, and for your understanding when I get a little cranky or forgetful.  I praise God for all of you!

Blessings!

Just Some Thoughts…

It’s been a quiet few days around here.  My next test isn’t scheduled until October 17th, so I’ve had lots of time to rest, read, and do a few things I love doing.  I’ve also been doing a lot of “watching” and thinking.

One of my favourite places on the web is Facebook.  I have a wonderful group there, and have met many people from around the globe.  Some have become very close and very dear to me.  It’s also a great place to catch up on news of friends and family that you normally wouldn’t hear otherwise.  I even get to “spy” unobtrusively on my nieces and nephews and watch them learn and grow.

I have noticed tho, that many of the people I know behave totally differently on a social networking site than they do in person.  It seems almost as if the normal social constraints that guide our behaviour get thrown out the window in a social networking site.  I’m assuming part of it is having so many “game” friends in facebook that you have never met, and don’t really communicate with.  Another part, I think, is that people think as long as they are hiding behind a computer screen, they can do or say whatever they please without repercussion.  Yet I still find myself totally shocked at times.

I have always tried to govern my behaviour, both on and off the computer, according to a set of ethics and standards that I was taught growing up.  I believe that one should always treat others the same way they would like to be treated.  I try and treat everyone with kindness and respect until such time as they prove they don’t deserve it.  I know that I’m strong-willed and opinionated, and I LOVE getting on my soapbox.  However, I don’t always expect people to agree with my opinions, and I don’t get rude to those who don’t agree.  Perhaps that is why I’m so shocked when I see others behave in ways that totally go against the grain of social norms and constraints.

I have seen women use language that would make an oil-rigger blush, over not being given a gift from a game!  I’ve seen men who are normally too shy to say hello to a woman in person, stalking and sexually harassing women in public on facebook.  I’ve seen young mothers with small children posting about their drinking binges and sexual conquests, and I have to shake my head and wonder if mothers truly act this way, or are trying to “impress” others for some reason unknown and unfathomable to me.  I’ve seen hate campaigns in facebook that make Hitler and Idi Amin look like amateurs.

On the other side of the coin, I have seen people, mostly women, allow others to walk all over them, because they are worried about upsetting or offending someone they hardly know.

I truly believe that as more and more people start entering the world of social networking, for whatever reason, that we all need to learn to develop some set of ethics and rules to guide our behaviour, just like we follow in our normal, every day lives.  It isn’t alright to threaten someone, just because you can hide behind a computer monitor.  It isn’t ok to deride or belittle someone just because they can’t see your face or hear your voice.  And it isn’t ok to allow others to do it to you, either.  As the computer becomes more and more the prime source of socialization for many in our aging and disabled population, I believe we will have to learn to care about each other and perhaps even protect each other in a whole new way.

Just some thoughts…

Blessings!

Day 8 of a New Journey

Dear Lord, please give me strength today, for I am feeling very weak.

Dear Lord, please give me rest today, for I am feeling very tired.

Dear Lord, please give me comfort today, for I am feeling pain.

Dear Lord, please give me peace today, for I am worried about a sick friend.

Dear Lord, please give me hope today, for I am feeling despair.

Dear Lord, please give me laughter today, for I am feeling sorrow.

In your name Jesus, Amen

Blessings!

Day 5 – A Delightful Day!

Today has been an absolutely delightful day, and my spirits are soaring.  I feel calmer and very much at peace now.

This morning I had an appointment with the most amazing doctor.  He has an awesome sense of humour and a laff as deep as a bass drum.  He was a joy to spend time with, and he had both Rick and I feeling 100% calmer about the whole situation.  He didn’t tell me much I hadn’t learned already thru some heavy research, but he assured me that my chances of survival are about 100%.  The treatment options are pretty well the same, whether or not my problem was cancer or non-cancerous lol.  He also told me that, believe it or not, my SMOKING, of all things could be the one thing that has saved my life.  Because smoking is an estrogen suppressant, it has immensely slowed the progress of the cancer, and he doubts if its much past stage 1.  What an example of God being able to take our faults and flaws and turning them for good!!!

I have a test scheduled for two weeks down the road, not sure exactly what day yet, which will tell them more about the progression and what treatment options will be available.  This test or procedure has a huge long name that I can’t even remember.  All I know is it involves another camera and some more deep probing…ow ow ow…but hey, I survived the last one, and I’ll survive this one.  I’m actually grateful I have two weeks to rest up for this, because the last series of tests really did me in physically.  I could barely move afterward, and felt my first serious pain in the process.  But a few days of lots of sleep have pretty well resolved the pain.

Anyhow, I feel like I’m FLYING today lol.  I had nothing but good news today, and hope…lots and lots of hope!!!!  I know this isn’t over by a long shot, but I do know that with God and Dr. A on my side, I’m gonna win this battle.

I can’t begin to express the gratitude I feel for my family and the many loving friends God has blessed me with, for the prayers and love that have been sent my way.  You all make the bad days just a little better, the good days a celebration, and give me a reason to haul my tired ass outta bed some days, and keep going!  Keep laughing, keep loving, keep praying, and keep misbehavin’!  You bring me much JOY!

Blessings!

Day 3 of a New Journey

Today has been a hard day.  I can’t seem to move past the exhaustion today for some reason.  But I knew there would be days like this.

Had a little disappointment today.  After driving to the Dr. I was supposed to see, we found out he had been called out for an emergency.  So we are now rescheduled for Wednesday morning.  It’s not a big deal, just a little bump in the road.  Sigh…I could have been sleeping instead lol.

Nothing else has really changed.  It’s just another ordinary Monday.

Ty all for the little notes about my hair, roflmao.  They made me smile.  And yes, Cindy, if I dye my hair PURPLE I will definitely post pictures for all of you.

Blessings to all until tomorrow!

Day 2

It is Well With My Soul Such a beautiful song I just needed to share!

Somehow, I feel like I should be feeling “different”, but I don’t. Everything feels the same. The only thing different from a few days ago is the knowledge that something is growing inside my body and needs to be dealt with. There is no pain. There is no visible change. Only knowledge.

One thing I am feeling today is overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by the love and support I am receiving from people all over the world. I am overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who are praying for me. I am overwhelmed by the messages of love. I am overwhelmed to be hearing from old friends and family members that I haven’t heard from for decades. I am overwhelmed by the fact that many of you are feeling more distraught than I am about my illness. I don’t think I truly realized how much I was loved until the past few days. I am overwhelmed by the blessings God has sent my way in all of you.

Mostly, tho, I am overwhelmed by the peace that I am feeling. I always thought that if I received a diagnosis of any kind of “potentially fatal” illness or disease, I would be frightened, stressed, fearful and edgy. Amazingly I am none of those things right now. I know I have some hard days to face. I know that eventually, there will be some kind of pain, either emotional or physical. I know there will be loss, but there will also be gain.

Last night I lay in bed thinking about all of this, and the thing that crossed my mind the most was my hair. Oh Vanity – thy name is HAIR lol. I have nurtured my long hair most of my life, rarely letting a scissors near it. Long, baby soft, curly, now silver … but my pride and joy. If I do have to face chemo, I have decided that before they blast me with any radiation, I will shave my head, donate my locks, and buy myself the brightest, most outlandish scarf I can find!

There really isn’t much more to say today. Today is a day designated for laughter and rest, for enjoyment and fellowship. Tomorrow is another appointment, and more decisions to make. I am tired. But I am happy. I am at peace. I am BLESSED. I am loved. I am God’s!

Blessings!

A New Journey

Today I start a new journey. As much as I wish it was destination Florida or New Zealand to visit some dear friends…this one is gonna be a little longer and a lot harder. I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer.

I’ve lost some friends and family members to cancer. I have spent endless hours talking to them before they passed away, and listened to their stories, their struggles, and their thoughts on what they would change about their choices if they had a chance to start again. Each one of them faced their battle differently.

I have often thought that if I ever heard that word come from my doctor’s mouth, I would opt to do nothing, live my life as normally as possible for what time I had left, and go quietly and gently into the night. Strangely tho, now that I’ve actually heard that word, and had my initial cry, I feel quite differently. I’m not ready to let go of this life just yet. I’m not ready to say goodbye to my friends, my family, and the things I so very much love. I don’t want my mother to have to grieve for a 2nd lost child. I don’t want my husband to experience another loss in his life. He’s already lost way too much. I still have way to much loving, tormenting, teasing, and giving to do. I have too many laughs left in me that haven’t been laughed. I have too many tears left that haven’t been shed. I have too much love left that hasn’t been shared. I guess I’m just not the type to go “quietly and gently into the night”.

I do not want Pity. I do not ask “why me”. This is the lot God has cast my way, and I accept that. I also believe that He will be with me every step of the way. I believe there is a purpose for this, as there has been for everything else in my life. I also know that He has provided me with many blessings…a loving husband, a loving family, friends from all over the world who are sending love and prayers.

I am going to try and blog my way thru this all, not only as catharsis for myself, but to let my friends and family know what’s happening in a way that is not intrusive on their lives. They can choose whether or not to follow along.

I don’t feel ready, but who does? Let the journey BEGIN!

Blessings!